The Allen List

When I wanted to be a copywriter, I didn’t know how to write. My girlfriend’s mom had to buy me Strunk and White’s Elements of Style because I didn’t even know if you capitalized the days of the week (you do). I also wasn’t a big fan of reading. But I remember a teacher of mine saying, “If you want to write, write, write, you have to read, read, read.”

I was a huge Woody Allen fan. So I read a biography on him by Eric Lax. I started writing down every author, playwright, poet, and philosopher Woody mentioned in the book and made myself a reading list. This was like twenty years ago and I think I’m almost done reading everything on it.

This is the original list from 1991, maybe someone will get a kick out of it. The quote on the top, “Aim High” is advice from Woody’s sister Netty Konigsberg when Woody was starting out on his career at age 15.

Known To Have Fun With Michael's Eyebrows.

Alright. This occurred in Dumbo over the weekend. Socialistic put up wild postings to advertise their General Electric hologram thing and someone thought they'd be a bit funny. Well, I'd like to tell you that I know who you are. I accuse, with 100% certainty...founder of Big Spaceship, Michael Lebowitz! I also accuse with 100% certainty the president of Barton F. Graf 9000, Barney Robinson! So I am 200% sure that one or maybe both of you thought it funny to deface me. Motive? First, they both live or work in Dumbo. Second, Barney and I had an argument over fee structure and procurement late Friday and I have been known to have fun with Michael's eyebrows now and then and he swore he would get me back.

You both have been officially entered into my "Revenge" notebook.

The Mothra Of All Houseflies

There are two major men's airport urinal manufacturers in America. How do I know this? Because they recently started marking a place to aim in their troughs. Half of the urinals have a nice, colorful, smiling animated bumble bee to mark the most splatter-free point, while the others have a black silhouette of a very realistic looking fly. 

When I stand at a urinal, the first time I naturally look down is just before my body has allowed itself to relax enough to begin its natural disposal. It is at this most vulnerable of moments that one of two things now happen.

Half of the time it's like I'm a five-year-old rounding the corner of Main Street at Disneyland to unexpectedly discover Mickey Mouse's warm grin, as he waves me over for a hug and a picture. A mental release as rewarding and enjoyable as the physical one about to take place.

The other half of the time I literally think the Mothra of all houseflies is an inch away from my how-do-you-do and three minutes later I'm still counting down from ten, trying to mentally unkink the garden hose.

As if such an unfortunate singular experience isn't bad enough, after multiple occurrences of this, a far more public repercussion has emerged as an awkwardly unspoken theme in my personal life.

My wife thinks I like taking dumps at the airport.

A Vast Knowledge Of Fabric Fastening Devices

Thanks to the Google search engine, I am a wiser man. And just today, I gained a wonderful bit of knowledge when I found out who invented the zipper. This led me to the inevitable question - who invented the button? I know the clasp was invented by someone named Darioux in Persia and belts were invented back in like 1600 BC by the Phoenicians to keep their wading pants up. The drawstring comes from back in Roman times (they didn't just wear togas). Through the years, I have accumulated a vast knowledge of fabric fastening devices, but the backstory on the button eludes me.

the angel stands on the water

Hi, we're back.

I had this dream last night, honestly. Everyone at Barton F. Graf 9000 was at a high school basketball court. We were being honored for something. They introduced us and we all walked out and the people sitting in the fold out stands start clapping and someone says, "Congratulations Barton F. Graf 9000."

And then that same person says, "And we would also like to congratulate Droga5!" And we step aside and at half court this pool of water starts bubbling and this three year old girl rises out of the water in a white dress and flowing blonde hair like an angel and the water lifts her up ten feet in the air and carries her over to all the people, then lifts her up another 30 feet in the air and everyone is going crazy and as the angel stands on the water the lights go down and David and Ted and everyone at Droga5 walks out in their topcoats and the place goes crazier and we're in the corner watching all this stuff and I start yelling at everyone, "God dammit, why can't we do stuff like that?!"

I'm not kidding. I really had that dream.

Help me pick a press photo.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

So, François Rousseau is coming in to take my press photos and I need a little bit of help figuring out what my signature "pose" is going to be. I like number one because it's all, "Grr, I'm coming to get ya! Look Out!". Two looks like he's reclining after a hard day of fancy dancing. Three is one of those photos where they say, "Fold your arms and look to the left and when I say go, whip your head to camera and your hair will do a cool poofy thing." In number four, I'm not sure what happened here. Something seems to be going on to the left of the camera. When I take my photo, I hope there are no distractions. In pose number five, you try to look both bored and pissed off at the same time which is a hard look to nail. And six is the classic, "Hmm, I'm thinking, hmm."

If there is one thing I've learned from studying these photos it's that I'll need to look very serious. So I'll wear a tie but I won't button the top button of my shirt to let people know I'm still cool. So let me know which way to go. 

Keep painting the walnuts by hand.

I’m going to give you the lowdown on the last ten minutes of “When angels come to town” which I caught on the Hallmark Channel. This is all verbatim.

Sally, she’s like 24, is in front of the Beehive Department store talking to a news crew on Christmas Eve.

Sally:

I’m talking about doin what you can, when you can, to make someone feel a little better. What I need for Christmas isn’t something you can buy at the Beehive Department store. A homeless lady taught me how to listen to my heart. I’m looking for my brother, he’s missing. And if you seen him, please help me, cuz I just want to hug him, and tell him I love him. I’m listenin Jimmy... I’m listenin. If you’re out there watching this, please come home. 

And then Mr. Murray, the owner of the Beehive Department store dressed in a Santa costume, stepped up and said:

Sally, that promotion we talked about, it’s done, you’re the new manager of the Beehive.

And then Sally’s boyfriend’s dad showed up. And Sally’s boyfriend said:

Dad, you were right, we have to keep our holiday traditions. We’ll market a less expensive line and I’ll pay for the ones we still want to make by hand.

And they hugged.

And then Sally saw something in the store and it was JIMMY sleeping.

And then Mr. Max, played by Peter Falk, showed up in a tux because he’s an angel. He brought Jimmy to the Beehive so Sally could have a good Christmas. And as it turns out, Sally’s boyfriend’s dad, who is from East Berlin, knew Mr. Max.

The dad said:

It was you, in East Berlin, 40 years ago. You saved my life

And then Max said to the boyfriend:

You keep up the family tradition, you keep painting the walnuts by hand.

And then Mr. Max disappeared. Because he's an angel.